ONE MONTH LATER. REDEFINING DATE 28TH.I am still here. I choose life. I choose God. I choose to rebuild.

I am still here. I choose life. I choose God. I choose to rebuild.

I will never again abandon myself, my discernment or my obedience to God to preserve a relationship.

I CHOOSE LIFE. I CHOOSE GOD. I CHOOSE TO BEGIN AGAIN.

A month ago, my life changed.

On 28 July, I went through one of the most heartbreaking and defining experiences of my life.

I discovered that the person I believed was part of my present and my future had not been honest with me.

The relationship I had spent years believing in was not what I thought it was.

I discovered that, all along, I had been the other woman.

There are moments when life divides itself into before and after.

For me, that was one of them.

And today, one month later, I simply want to say:

THANK YOU, GOD.

Not because everything is okay.

Not because I have forgotten.

Not because I have completely healed.

But because I am still here.

This month I have walked through hurt.

Regret.

Questions.

Anger.

Thoughts of revenge.

Disappointment.

Confusion.

Uncontrollable tears.

Extreme Loneliness 

Extreme sadness.

There were moments when I wondered how I would pick myself up from something that had shattered so much of what I believed about my life.

Ten years.

Dreams.

Plans.

Hope.

The comfort of believing that one part of my future was already settled.

And suddenly I found myself facing a reality I never imagined:

I may have to begin again.

Yoh.

That is hard.

But this morning my mother reminded me of something simple:

As long as you are alive, there is hope.

And I am alive.

My children are here.

My family is here.

My purpose is still here.

My future is still here.

And most importantly:

GOD IS STILL HERE.

So perhaps I haven't lost everything.

Perhaps what I have lost is what could not accompany me into where God is taking me.

I HAVE HAD TO FACE MYSELF TOO

Healing has required me to look beyond what someone else did and ask myself some difficult questions.

What did I ignore?

What did I excuse?

What did I tolerate 

What did I know deep inside but refuse to confront?

Because if I am truthful, there were signs.

I sensed things.

I questioned things.

I dreamt things.

Hints came.

There were moments when something inside me knew that things were not right.

But I wanted the relationship to work.

I had loved this man from when I was very young.

When life brought us together again, perhaps part of me desperately wanted the story I had carried since I was 17 to finally have its beautiful ending.

I thought I had found my soulmate. Sometimes chemistry amd soulmate is just that but cant be built-on.

And sometimes when we desperately want something to be true, we become very good at explaining away the evidence that tells us otherwise.

That is one of my hardest lessons.

But I refuse to turn that lesson into self-hatred.

Someone else's dishonesty belongs to them.

My responsibility is what I do with what I now know and dealing, healing from what I knew but ignored.

And what I know today is this:

I will never again silence my discernment to preserve a relationship.

I will never again make a man more important than my obedience to God.

I will never again hold onto something simply because I have already invested years into it.

I will never again allow fear of starting over to keep me somewhere God may be asking me to leave.

I will never again fear to start over again. 

I will never walk away again from someone because i now know better. I know what i want, how. and I know what I will not or never accept. Know your worth. Align.

I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE

This experience has not made me stop believing in love.

I love love.

I love companionship.

I love being loved well and vice versa.

I love having someone beside me.

I love support, friendship, laughter, partnership and building life with someone.

And I still desire those things.

But moving forward, I want them God's way.

I don't want companionship badly enough to compromise peace.

I don't want a relationship badly enough to compromise truth.

I don't want marriage badly enough to ignore character.

I don't want to be chosen by a man more than I want to be aligned with God.

That is my U-turn.

God first.

And if love comes again, let it find me walking with God not abandoning Him to keep another human being.

I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE GOD CAN RESTORE

Sometimes I think about the years and feel sadness.

Could I have made different decisions?

Could I have walked away sooner? Yes but again No.

What might those years have looked like?

But I cannot live backward.

I can only learn backward and live forward.

Joel 2:25 says:

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten…

So I am giving the years to God.

The mistakes.

The disappointments.

The naivety.

The dreams that didn't happen.

The time I cannot recover.

The questions I may never have answered.

All of it.

God, take it.

If You could preserve me through this, You can rebuild me after it.

If You could carry me through August, You can carry me into September and my better tomorrow and the beatiful years to come.

If You can restore years eaten by locusts, then surely my future is not limited by my past.

TODAY, I CHOOSE LIFE

This past week, I heard about a woman maybher soul RIP Rosemary Chemutai  who reportedly lost her life amid struggles involving her mental wellbeing and relationship circumstances. 

It ignited some.fresh emotions from what i had experiences on 28th July.

Because heartbreak can take people into incredibly dark places.

And I thought about my own month.

The crying.

The questions.

The shock.

The grief.

The despair.

The feeling of having a future suddenly disappear.

And I realized:

I am here.

By God's grace, I am here.

So today I make a deliberate declaration.

I CHOOSE LIFE with God

I CHOOSE ME. A new version. 

I choose my children.

I choose my family.

I choose purpose.

I choose healing.

I choose happiness.

I choose peace.

I choose forgiveness not because what happened was acceptable, but because I refuse to spend my future imprisoned by my past.

I choose new beginnings.

I choose to love again when the time and person are right.

I choose to rebuild.

And above everything:

I CHOOSE GOD.

AUGUST, THANK YOU FOR THE LESSONS

What a month.

I entered August heartbroken.

I leave it rebuilding.

Not completely healed.

Not pretending everything is fine.

Not yet out of the woods.

But stronger.

Clearer.

More discerning.

More surrendered.

And incredibly grateful.

Today, as I sit in my office wondering where to spend my afternoon, where to unwind, where to sit quietly and simply breathe, perhaps I don't need to have everything figured out.

Maybe today is simply about gratitude.

God, thank You for keeping me.

Thank You for my children.

Thank You for my mother.

Thank You for my family.

Thank You for the people who love me.

Thank You for purpose.

Thank You for another morning.

Thank You for another afternoon.

Thank You that the ending of one story is not the ending of my life.

And thank You that even after everything...

I still have hope.

I don't know exactly what my future looks like.

I don't know who, where, how I will meet I know his out there. This time My forever till death do us part. I don't have the energy to walk away again. 

I don't know where life will take me.

I don't know how God will restore what I believe I have lost.

But perhaps I don't need to know.

I only need to know Who is walking with me.

So here I am.

One month later.

Alive.

Standing.

Learning.

Healing.

Rebuilding.

Trusting.

And beginning again.

This time, with God at the centre. The beginning and my end.

Whatever comes next, I want to start right.

Because I have learned that no relationship, dream or worldly desire deserves the place that belongs to God.

My past has taught me.

My pain has changed me.

But neither gets to own my future.

I choose life.

I choose happiness.

I choose obedience.

I choose healing.

I choose new beginnings.

I choose love but love done right.

I choose my children.

I choose purpose.

I choose the future.

I choose God.

And I trust Him with whatever comes next.

Thank You, God, for August.

I made it.

🙏🏾

green, quiet and beautiful.

Today i make it about me and God.

We did it.

A month in we are stronger better and more hopeful for a brighter today and tomorrow. We are not escaping what happened. A small catch up private celebration one month later, I'm still standing.

Take your journal. Have something beautiful to eat. Pray. Write down what you are leaving behind in August and what you are carrying into September.

Then write one sentence at the bottom of the page:

The rest of my life does not have to look like the last chapter.

You are allowed to begin again.

* **Romans 10:11 (KJV)** — “Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed.”

* **Romans 8:28 (KJV)** — “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

* **1 Thessalonians 5:18 (KJV)** — “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

* **Isaiah 41:10 (KJV)** — “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God…”

* **Psalm 25:2–3 (KJV)** — “O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me. Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed…”

* **Psalm 42:10–11 (KJV)** — “Where is thy God?” followed by the response: “Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him…”

* **Psalm 79:10 (KJV)** — “Wherefore should the heathen say, Where is their God?”

* And one that may be especially close to what you're remembering: **Joel 2:26–27 (KJV)** — “Ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God… and my people shall never be ashamed… and my people shall never be ashamed.”

**Joel 2:26–27 is particularly powerful** because God repeats **“My people shall never be ashamed” twice.**

Taken together, these verses form a beautiful declaration:

I will not be put to shame. God is with me, therefore I will not fear or be dismayed. Even what I do not understand today, God is working together for my good because I love Him. I will give thanks in everything. And where anyone may ask, “Where is your God?” my life will testify that my God was with me all along.

Today was very heavy.